I just had one of those weeks where it seemed like opportunities were coming from every direction. A friend recommended me for a pilot audition which resulted in 2 taped auditions, another referred me for a directing opportunity, a commercial audition which resulted in a call back and a waitlist audition which resulted in getting a slot . It felt amazing BUT by the weekend,the feedback from the pilot was .." solid audition, too young and thin"( ironically I was within the age and size parameters), and no bookings/and or callbacks from either of the other auditions. I felt defeated, actually more like devastated. I sat at a Good Friday service just wishing that the Lord would deliver my soul elsewhere. Everything in my life felt like a failure, financially, professionally and most definitely romantically. It seems I either can't make the right decisions or my path is just one rocked with disappointment and hurt. Obviously, this issue is beyond of week of rejections but it is like the Spanish child story " Marinella" it felt like the "last nail in the coffin". Being hurt is a part of being alive and its a risk whenever you leave your own bed but it is one of the emotions that help us to grow. In my own life, it is one that I have experienced a disproportionate amount of times in my life, so much I am basically PTSD survivor. So these moments can throw me into a whirlwind of torturous emotions that can feel will break the foundation of who I am. Its not pretty but as us Negroes say.." It is ..what it is" .
What the Lord has blessed me with are people who love and care for me, and as much as I can allow them in, I do. I was staying with Framily (there is a point where friend is just no longer appropriate) and I just started to just fall apart. They patiently listened, held my hands and the wife just started to give me resources , retreat places where I can begin to just heal again. I am still searching and looking but I think I have about 3 places which are serious contenders. There are still many details I need to work out but I think I have a plan in action. My bestie checked in on me, sent me words of encouragement and I keep on truckin. After being at a friends bday party this week, it was clear, I am still not "all together lovely" after communing I felt exposed and fragmented. The need to be in another space, is real and absolutely needed or am I will have a meltdown on the A train. Since last week, I cant even think about submitting for anything the idea just brings pain to my heart. There is no resolve for this, it just cant be explained but this last week just hurt a place in my that will need time away from all this is to find my way home again. We never know what will be that last straw but right now, the only thing my heart can even bear is the warmth of the sun, the lapping of water and a glorious walking trail to find my way back to my center again. #retreat #relax #ptsd #actress #audition #nyc #work #creativity
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An Actor/Director sharing her thoughts on creativity in this crazy metropolis, New Yawk Citay.