That feeling..is it love, longing or an undiagnosed psychosis? It is challenging when you have a feeling for someone that after years, you just cant shake. You think you have gotten the best of it, you have turned the corner and then it rears its head again just to send you back into that amorphous abyss called..feelings. I think there is an exiquiste pain to loving someone (or whatever it is) where there is a uncertainity. You can live in a bubble of possibility without having to examine it any closer, it allows you the external feeling of well..feelings but not growing into any real intimacy. I dont encourage this state of being, its what the blues was based on and every crappy, dusty floored country crooner bar has liquor stocked for. There is a something magical about having a confirmation, an acknowledgement that someone loves you back. That vulnerability of being exposed and then the band aid of togetherness.. is what this whole world is about. That unfortunately is not my current situation, so my persistant affection remains quiet where I just simmer in the angst of yearning and uncertainity. There is a comfort in this land of ignorance, it feels safer than just jumping into the fire of expression with the possibility of rejection. The ugly truth is, no matter how philosphical we may wane. .. feelings have no committee to check in with to ensure your on safe territory. There is nothing to do but ride that torrential wave, wherever it leads, sometimes it may bliss and other times to another disappointment. Having romantic feelings for someone can make them feel like the celebrity and you the President of thier fan club...which can kind of suck. It also can be a great distractor to keep you occupied from the dreadful feeling of..no feeling. Again, there is no resolve here but to share my affliction with others who can commiserate. For we know day dreaming of the unresolved love..can be..well.. lovely, for nothing in life is quite like fantasy. We also know, that fantasy can't change you like the beautiful mess of reality; if your lucky enough to experience it. Here's a soy chai latte toast to....hopeful real love <3.
#love #blackmen #men #dating #relationships #blues #acting #couples
There is a certain feeling that comes over me every summer. First, I must tell you, I love warm weather. Each year it is getting more and more difficult to deal with the winter months. There is nothing charming about snow to me any more, heavy coat, big boots and the general blah that comes with freezing nipples..you know what I mean. Nevertheless, the summer holds its on challenges for me that are also not so pleasant. As an actor it tends to be one of the slowest periods for me financially, it feels a little bit like a teacher without the security of...well .. a steady paycheck.
My birthday is in November so it's a reminder I am one year closer to be sexually irrelevant which is always a cheery thought and as a season it just flies by. We are now in August and it feels like I closed my eyes and now my favorite fruit ..cherry season is nearly over. These are not the problems that cause one to stop all living but its enough to keep me in a space that is not always the most productive. The challenge of growing older in an industry that punishes you for every bit of gravity that becomes apparent is hard no matter how vain people might think that is. It's like racing against a clock that is chuckling with every move you make because its an futile cause. That paired with limited income makes for a funky mood..and not in the positive James Brown way. Again, there is no resolve here, no incredible words of wisdom to make it all okay. Just an acknowledgement that life continues and whether you are in the throes of joy or in the pit of despair the wheel continues. So take that teary tissue, those thighs you have love/hate/ anguish then maybe some like for, get some awesome fro yo and enjoy what you can. We have to remember that emotions are not reality and what we feel can not dictate all that we do. You can feel sad , still get on the at roller coaster, go to that free concert or just take that walk on the beach.
An Actor/Director sharing her thoughts on creativity in this crazy metropolis, New Yawk Citay.