Just came for an audition that has really done a number on my being...the role was  for a blk woman who has a plethora of health problems and her style of communication is a little on the retro side..."Lawd Have Mercy a smaat white boy'', you get the picture. I have no problem with doing a dialect, there is no shame in it, we all have our country cousins. The disturbing element is that it was written by a white woman and it was based in 2013 in the New York City???  In addition I just received notice that an audition that in my heart ,I knew I was made for, had received a call back for...I  didn't book but yet here I was  sitting at a table for three white auditors doing mammy chat . Outside the audition room, going over the sides, I nearly broke into tears. I had no desire to be there, I couldn't find the email to cancel and the theatre community is too small to just blow off people, it can come back to bite you in the buttackas!
Sitting there in the room, I couldn't bring myself to read in that dialect and that didn't create the best of impressions. It was just an unpleasant experience on both sides of the table. 
Walking out of the room, the actor after me had such a pleasant, gentle disposition that I could picture her in the role and she seemed ready and willing. I wish her lucked and left the building. 
Now, at my survival job trying to keep myself together, I am faced with the same demons that have plagued me more and more over the past couple of years. How much longer can I continue to stomach these disappointment, failures and heart wrenching experiences. The older we get the deeper those scars penetrate and the weariness just sets in. 
I have no resolve and no "positve quips" to make it all better, it is, what it is and there is nothing but to get a Soy Chai Latte from Starbucks after work, and take a walk along the Pier. 
I am fortunate, to have a survival gig, that allows me to be late 2hrs because I was at an audition, I am fortunate to know alot of actors who you can share your experience with, I am fortunate to be live in walking distance of the Pier which is a place of reflection and  I am fortunate to have a passion that I care so deeply about. 
I am aware of the blessings BUT this ache hurts and its real and no amount of deflection will make it disappear, only that real break, that moment when I know the breakthrough has finally appeared...

Yesterday on a rainy day in April, I went to the Whitney with my sister to see "Blues for Smoke" and exhibition influenced By the history and musicality of the Blues. An interesting exhibition, it displayed how its influence can be seen in so many artistic disciplines. I dont get to see exhibitions often and when I do, I am one of the dorkier viewers who enjoys taking in every piece and installation. If there is music, scrawlings, dried fruit  or anything, I enjoy the whole experience. I want to  understand what motivated the curator or the artist to create, what they created. While, trying to squeeze into one of the audio installations, an older, white woman moved and covered her purse as I was trying to get to one of the headphones. My first reaction was to leave where she was because I dont want that sort of energy around me. I also was sort of struck by the irony of the situation, at an exhibit highlighting an African-American art form, here was  a white woman consciously or unconsciously making me feel uncomfortable, for her comfort. The Whitney Museum, is located on the upper east side of manhattan, an area which I rarely if ever travel to,nearly a foreign land to me. The majority of people at the exhibition were non-blacks, and my sister commented as the tour guide was explaining aspects to of the "black art experience" to a group of older white patrons, it is sort of a surreal experience hearing yourself explained as other. There is no equivalant of where you hear white people explained as other, unless you are hanging out with a group of your friends after watching some ridiculous film.
I appreciate the Whitney for this exhibition, and the staff was a diverse group racially and intergenerational. It is also makes me angry, after a long day at work, looking forward to this exhibition before a rehearsal later that evening, that I would even have to encounter this..again..at an exhibit that was highlighting my OWN culture. There is no resolve in this piece, that woman will probably never have to account for her behavior and for me, the experience is not new just another to place in the "dont let that affect you pile". Also, this behavior is not exclusive to the "older white female", it is a behavior that crosses gender and age, unfortunately. You can experience it in the 'burg all the way to Staten Island. For myself, it makes me just want to avoid areas of where there is a majority white attendance, which is usually impossible but I am very aware of my surroundings and my time is calculated in those spaces. The situation is much more complicated than just "lets love each other", if i had needed CPR, i do not doubt that woman would have helped me. This is a deeper issue of honor and respect that is still very much lacking for my community in this country. A conversation and process that is still happening and unraveling. For now, beautiful exhibits like Blues for Smoke, is just that an artistic experience but not a political reality.

Whitney  Houston the name conjures up all sorts of images and memories. Classy, diva, anointed singing voice, pain, tragedy, irresponsibility and sadly junkie. Truthfully, no one is one thing or another, we are a combination of our experiences. In the discussion of feminism- looking through the lens of male privilege,  the struggle of female/feminine equality, discussion is critical and a prime example  witht the pairing of  Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.  
This was a relationship ripe for the tabloid fodder. The beautiful American princess shacked  up with music's bad boy. The sexual tension births illusions of  illicit rendezvous and passionate arguments. This combined with a history of long term drug dependency it becomes Wilsonian in it's tragedy. After all the stories, interviews and commentary it is clear that Whitney Houston was not a victim, she was  culpable in the downfall of her career and image. She was an international musical superstar who wielded an extraordinary amount of power that translated into over 100 million records sold and the highest-selling single of all time. What is also clear to me is that Whitney is indicative of  the powerful women syndrome and most importantly the Black female/Baby Boy dynamic. John Singleton 2000 film "Baby Boy" is a slept on as a piece of social commentary and popular culture coming together. I refer to that film so often because it is a painfully accurate depiction of an epidemic in our community. The refusal of some grown black men to take responsibility for their behavior and it's consequences then relying and/or blaming black women for being stymied. Often you will find black mothers that encourage support this arrested development. 
Feminism is currently seen as a  retro movement connoting images of burning bras and opening our own doors. Through popular mainstream media i.e. male dominated/dictated journalism  it is basically archaic. Referenced only when a man doesn't want to pay for the first date or wants to initiate a non-committal sexual liason.
Unfortunately in the black community especially the heterosexual black community it is nearly non-existent hidden beneath  the need for black liberation and equality. Many women feel forced to choose  between being a woman or being black ( which by the way is ridiculous). In many ways third world communities  suffers at a greater rate of insidious sexism pervasive in mainstream hip-hop, popular female black pop stars , black romantic comedies, literature, clothing and the relationship of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
I thought about my community's relationship to feminism after watching #OWN's Next Chapter with Gloria Steinam. I was embarrased as a women's studies minor to not be familiar with any of the black women she referenced as being important in the struggle for Women's equality but familiar with all the white women. In addition, after reading about Bobby Brown upcoming interview with Matt Lauer to clear his name, I became slightly incensed. Bobby Brown who is now engaged, finds the need to clear his name after  writing a tell-all book in 2007 about thier union. To let the whole world know how he didnt get Whitney Houston hooked on drugs but that she introduced the "hard drugs" to him. Now while I question the accuracy of that memory, I ponder at some of the elements of thier union.

Whitney Houston created every inch of her fame. She sang at every event, till drugs took it's toll, she produced successful family friendly movies like The Princess Diaries & Cinderella, successful albums and mentored the careers of young female artists. She brought gospel music to  a mainstream pop audience using her commericial appeal. She created a legacy that will live long after her physical form for many decades to come. 
Alternately, Bobby Brown a member of the successful group "New Edition"  spawned a successful solo career with the smash "My Prerogative"  that launched him into superstardom. By the time they were married, his hits were behind him. During thier marriage he was arrested several times, served time in jail, claims of infidelity were rampant, embarrassed her at public events, the reality show "Being Bobby Brown" which destroyed her image was at his insistence, she financed his child support payments and even the article in the National Enquirer about her drug -ridden bathroom was a photo taken by his sibling. The first reunion tour he attempted with New Edition in the 90's was successful but he left before it was finished because of inconsistent behavior. 
Whitney during their union starred in 3 successful movies, "Waiting to Exhale","Preacher's Wife" and the mega hit "The Bodyguard". The latter resulting  in one of the biggest selling albums of all time, the biggest selling single of all time & Preacher's Wife the biggest selling gospel album of all time. After their divorce , she attended his mother's funeral without incident, no publicity photo ops and even sang at the service. When he attended her funeral , he created a disruption that made newspaper headlines and yet again brought attention to the mistreated /misunderstood poor Bobby Brown. 
Honestly, I do not know the intimate details of their relationship and that information will remain between her spirit and his memories. 
As a black woman from the outside looking in, it's disturbing to see the coddling and infantile behavior that is allowed and not commented on. 
There were black women after her death, commenting about "leave Bobby alone", he didnt cause her pain. I say, "Who cares about him'??? 
This was about her death, the loss of her talent to the world. Even after her untimely death at 48, she leaves the remake "Sparkle" that showcases younger, female talent who have been influenced by her trained, vocal talent. 
She struggled for 10 years to get this film produced and put on the major screen which will have a summer release. While Bobby Brown's latest effort is another New Edition reunion tour and granting interviews to clear his name. Does he take this opportunity to honor the woman who supported his children, defended him even during his infidelities, who shared his name on her production company-BrownHouse Productions and remained his friend till the end? Nope, like a child he concerns himself with his name and his new engagement. 
In the name of defending our black men we sacrifice our feminine powers.  If Whitney Houston  had not fallen victim to being a "beautiful celebrity junkie" ( and possibly homophobia) maybe she  would have seen the folly of her union. Not just because of her incredible fame but for a woman who's presence brought so much to the world of entertainment , she would have honored her own creativity and tenacity. She would have listened to her Spirit and knew she needed a partner who -regardless of gender-that understood and supported her growth. When your honored with a gift like that, it is beyond  your own physical needs and it becomes a mission that could potentially fulfill a higher calling. She would seek someone who encouraged the spiritual and physical health, fought against her  fundamental darkness and looked for spiritual light. 
Whitney may have died thinking she was no more than a great voice of yesteryear. As a opposed to an accomplished, intelligent artistic  powerhouse who's voice influenced the musical landscape, and  who was also tragically fallible . We will never know.