Just came for an audition that has really done a number on my being...the role was for a blk woman who has a plethora of health problems and her style of communication is a little on the retro side..."Lawd Have Mercy a smaat white boy'', you get the picture. I have no problem with doing a dialect, there is no shame in it, we all have our country cousins. The disturbing element is that it was written by a white woman and it was based in 2013 in the New York City??? In addition I just received notice that an audition that in my heart ,I knew I was made for, had received a call back for...I didn't book but yet here I was sitting at a table for three white auditors doing mammy chat . Outside the audition room, going over the sides, I nearly broke into tears. I had no desire to be there, I couldn't find the email to cancel and the theatre community is too small to just blow off people, it can come back to bite you in the buttackas!
Sitting there in the room, I couldn't bring myself to read in that dialect and that didn't create the best of impressions. It was just an unpleasant experience on both sides of the table.
Walking out of the room, the actor after me had such a pleasant, gentle disposition that I could picture her in the role and she seemed ready and willing. I wish her lucked and left the building.
Now, at my survival job trying to keep myself together, I am faced with the same demons that have plagued me more and more over the past couple of years. How much longer can I continue to stomach these disappointment, failures and heart wrenching experiences. The older we get the deeper those scars penetrate and the weariness just sets in.
I have no resolve and no "positve quips" to make it all better, it is, what it is and there is nothing but to get a Soy Chai Latte from Starbucks after work, and take a walk along the Pier.
I am fortunate, to have a survival gig, that allows me to be late 2hrs because I was at an audition, I am fortunate to know alot of actors who you can share your experience with, I am fortunate to be live in walking distance of the Pier which is a place of reflection and I am fortunate to have a passion that I care so deeply about.
I am aware of the blessings BUT this ache hurts and its real and no amount of deflection will make it disappear, only that real break, that moment when I know the breakthrough has finally appeared...
An Actor/Director sharing her thoughts on creativity in this crazy metropolis, New Yawk Citay.