Last week on this plane, in the natural world we lost one of the most magical spirits to ever play music, Prince Rogers Nelson. As  I write this, I am in absolute disbelief, how could this be. This sexy mutha has been making music almost as long as I have been alive, so many periods of my life I can refer to this genius. His music helped me during difficult times in my childhood, he was one of the major influences in my all-womyn cabaret troupe Drag, Kings, Sluts & Goddesses and he most definitely was one of the figures who awakened my bourgening libido. I remember seeing Purple Rain, which admittedly is not an amazing film but his smoldering, blatant sexuality can still be seen more than 30 years later. The music tho, what is there to say. He was different from MJ, who was the kind of man you could bring home to mama, you didnt want to bring Prince because mama ( and possibly daddy) would want him too.
I always had an open curiosity about sex and Prince was just the man to help answer the questions. The way he explored sensuality was in the lineage of Marvin Gaye, where he left off Prince picked up the reins.  His "Nasty Girl" still rocks today and allows a sort of playful but aggressive stance that I always loved.  His early stuff was just awesome but also really enjoyed how he grew into his grown and sexy persona. I loved the later years, with the experiments in fashion, his calm but still masculine stance with that hint of vulnerability. He took to the stage like a boss,  lucky enough to catch his Musicology tour and never has a man in a blouse and heels made me so excited. I could have flown right on the stage and...well lets just say a Sista worked up a "Black Sweat " fo'reals. Like MJ, he had this shy, feminine quality which was endearing but Prince had the baritone in his voice which created an intriguing contrast. He did exploit the beauty and sensuality of women in his concerts and videos but unlike many other male artists he also put his own body on display. He believed in being seduced but also seducing at the same time.  Even in this later years, when I didnt listen to him on such a consistent basis, was always an exciting artist to see  perform on  awards shows, he was in an elevated status of music royalty. He always remained an artist, creating and innovating, never relying on last year's laurels. He is what an artist should be doing, experimenting and creating as you get older. How would more experience in your field hurt you, it should be benefiting you. Like Clint Eastwood who's work also continues to grow but unlike him, Prince is and was a prodigy. He is one of "special" people who I believe was a gift from G*d and people like that are not ours forever, they have a purpose, a plan and then there are to move on. It can be in violent ways like Marvin Gaye, it can be perplexing like a Martin Luther King, tragic like Houston, MJ or just peacefully like Prince. Either way, it is for us to appreciate, mourn and never forget thier magical prescence because it's always like no other. #prince #princerogersnelson #purplerain #blackartists #music #genius #billboard #icon 

 I just had one of those weeks where it seemed like opportunities were coming from every direction. A friend recommended me for a pilot audition which resulted in  2 taped auditions, another referred me  for a directing opportunity,  a commercial audition which resulted in a call back and a waitlist audition which resulted in getting  a slot . It felt amazing BUT by the weekend,the feedback from the pilot was .." solid audition, too young and thin"( ironically I was within the age and size parameters), and no bookings/and or callbacks   from either of the other auditions. I felt defeated,  actually more like devastated.  I sat at a Good Friday service just wishing that the Lord would deliver my  soul elsewhere.  Everything in my life felt like a failure, financially, professionally and most definitely romantically.  It seems I either can't make the right decisions or my path is just one rocked with disappointment and hurt. Obviously, this issue is beyond of week of rejections but it is like the Spanish child story " Marinella" it felt like the "last nail in the coffin".  Being hurt is a part of being alive and its a  risk whenever you leave your own bed but it is one of the emotions that help us to grow.  In my own life, it is one that I have experienced a disproportionate amount of times in my life, so much I am basically  PTSD survivor.  So these moments can throw me into a whirlwind of torturous emotions that can feel  will break the foundation of who I am.  Its not pretty but as us Negroes say.." It is ..what it is" .
 What the Lord has blessed me with are people who love and care for me, and as much as I can allow them in, I do. I was staying with Framily (there is a point where friend is just no longer appropriate) and I just started to just fall apart. They patiently  listened, held my hands and the wife just started to give me resources , retreat places where I can begin to just heal again. I am still searching and looking but I think I have about 3 places which are serious contenders. There are still many details I need to work out but I think I have a plan in action. My bestie checked in on me, sent me words of encouragement and I keep on truckin. After being at a friends bday party this week, it was clear, I am still not "all together lovely" after communing I felt exposed and fragmented. The need to be in another space, is real and absolutely needed or am I will have a meltdown on the A train. Since last week, I cant even think about submitting for anything the idea just brings pain to my heart. There is no resolve for this, it just cant be explained but this last week just hurt a place in my that will need time away from all this is to find my way home again. We never know what will be that last straw but right now, the only thing my heart can even bear is the warmth of the sun, the lapping of water and a glorious walking  trail to find my way back to my center again.  #retreat #relax #ptsd #actress #audition #nyc #work #creativity